We admit we were swooned by the Jersey boys of Rutgers. They dreamed the impossible dream against Louisville, and then snored their way through a rout to Cincinnati. That ain't chopping wood.
That KEEP CHOPPIN' slogan has been the principle motivator behind Coach Greg Schiano's success this season. Rutgers players and fans have adopted its simple message as their battle cry.
Schiano's poignant metaphor, which he has repeated ad nauseum in interviews and press conferences most of the season, can be paraphrased thusly:
If you were alone in the woods, and all you could see were trees, and all you had was an axe, then the only thing you can do is keep chopping.
Such an abysmal performance against Cincinnati clearly indicates that Schiano's "Keep Chopping" metaphor has at last run its course; its power to capture the imagination and inspire both player and fan alike to reach inside themselves and pull out a tasty nugget of hope has, after 9 improbable wins, expired.
Here, in no particular order, is an incomplete list of competing slogans and their underlying metaphors which Coach Schiano is reportedly contemplating for future use in Spring drills, halftime locker room speeches, and a forthcoming autobiographical self-help book he is co-authoring with James Frey:
- Keep Shoppin'
If you were alone in Costco, and all you could see were 3 gallon jars of Thousand Island dressing, and all you had was a valid Discover Card, the only thing you can do is KEEP SHOPPING.
- Keep Moppin'
If you were in a middle school cafeteria, and all you could see was fragments of half-chewed salisbury steak strewn in a manifestation of prepubescent hysterics, and the only thing you had was a secure low-wage city job, the only thing you can do is KEEP MOPPING.
- Keep Krumpin'
If you were alone on a street corner in Compton, and all you could hear was street poetry pulsing through your soul, and all you had were some mad hooks, the only thing you can do is KEEP KRUMPING.
- Keep Chuggin'
If you were at a frat party, and all you could feel was the omnipresent homosexual tension, and all you had was a keg of Jagermeister, the only thing you can do is KEEP CHUGGING.
- Keep Chimpin'
If you were alone in Tanzania, and all you wanted was a sweet hot piece of Jane Goodall, and all you had was a banana daqueri, the only thing you can do is KEEP CHIMPING.
- Keep Floppin'
If you were Tom Cruise, and all you could see were Body Thetans, and all you had was an E-meter, the only thing your career can do is KEEP FLOPPING.
- Keep Slummin'
If you were Britney Spears, and all you had were self-esteem issues and a Southern heritage...
The list is pretty much downhill from there. Schiano's Coach of the Year status may be in doubt.