The Benevolent Jackoff

Confessed criminal and all-around sleazebag Jack Abramoff has been sentenced to 5+ years in the slammer.  That this fucker would serve time was not particularly surprising, the real drama came in the sentencing process in which Jackoff stirred his many buddies to come to his defense as a purveyor of virtue and charity.  Of course, we saw this coming.

Jackoff surrounded himself with charities not because he was a charitable person, but because they were a scam.  Jackoff "contributed" to these charities to launder his dirty money.  A smart prosecuter would take every one of these character letters and trace it to how Abramoff may have illegally benefitted the sender.

The most moving of these is a letter from the governor of the Marianas Islands.  Jackoff and Tom DeLay have worked tirelessly to ensure that the Marianas Islands remain the United States' poorest labor colony.  Products made there get the "Made in the USA" stamp, but the workers have none of the protections of United States labor laws.  Consequently, the island has become a morass of sweatshops and near-slavery conditions.  The governor is correct in suggesting that if not for Jackoff the Marianas Islands would be a much different place: perhaps one where the workers choose their governor and not the minority of industrialists who have decimated the place and impoverished its people.

Other displays of Jackoff charity include the countless times he took children to professional sports games to teach them sportsmanship.  Incidentally, those sports games were hockey.  Uh, nobody watches hockey for its sportsmanship.

The tale of Jackoff taking in a military family when they could find no other housing was particularly touching.  Anyone notice how this act of generosity commenced in the middle of Jackoff's investigation last year?  Anyone suspect he's been working on this charity defense for some time?

As always, we say there is pleasure to be taken from Republicans behind bars.  And that should commence soon after lockdown.