Parrot Cage

For God's Sake, Don't Pray For Me!

Years ago, certain religious family members and acquaintances were fond of reciting a study that found, they said, that praying for the sick would actually contribute to the healing process. Granted, they didn't know the name of the study, where it was published, or who conducted it, but they were as certain of its findings as they were that god answers their prayers.

Now, we always questioned the existence of such a study.  After all, what kind of crackpot organization would ever fund such a study?  Aren't there plenty of other legitimate medical questions in need of study?

Well, now there is a real clinical study, which confirms the findings of another study, and it seems to show that prayer either has no effect, or its effect is to actually impede the health of those aware of others praying for them.  Now that that energy has been expended, how about a cure for cancer?  The common cold?  Cold sores?

John McCain's Final Shred of Decency Sold for a Safe Primary

John McCain has been an appealing politician for moderate to liberal voters for his perceived sense of fairness and forthrightness.  He emulates an orenery masculinity that bespeaks principled statesman, and judiciously avoids extremes.

That's gone now.  In his desperation to become President, McCain has finally steeped as low as he could since accepting a sloppy wet kiss on the head from George Bush after the Bushies trashed McCain in the primaries.  John McCain will deliver the commencement address for graduation ceremonies at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University--in this case, the word "University" should not be confused with its common usage: institute of higher learning.

John McCain's flaws are many.  The fact that he can talk about his flaws when other politicians run and hide doesn't change the fact that he is flawed.  However, spending 8 years in a POW camp can make you ambitious.  Losing the Republican nomination to a ne're-do-well draft dodger like George Bush can push you over the edge.

Taxpayer Bible Study? Bring It!

Georgia is considering making the Bible a part of the state educational curriculum.  Oddly enough, we fully endorse this idea.  Now, as secular atheists (redundant?) we are always troubled by American Taliban attempts to foist their peculiar version of Christianity on the rest of us.  However, nothing would contribute to the de-religionizing of America better than actually forcing young people to read the Bible in a neutral setting.

Our ultimate goal of freeing people from primordial values finds Bible study to be a a win in every direction. 

First, most Christians, and especially the lunatic variety, wield the bible as a weapon largely because they remain ignorant of its message as well as its origin.  To study the Bible as history and literature should require study of its entomology, which is not a pretty story.  How many fundamentalists can cling to words that have been carelessly transcribed, mutated, and mistranslated over eons.  Who could think that this is the way a supreme being communicates with his creations?

Secondly, for any student who isn't troubled by the messy process which eventually resulted in a product called the Bible, the actual text should disturb their modern sensibilities.  Few students would be able to walk from their social studies classes, where they have just learned of the outrageous immorality of human slavery, and then unquestioningly accept the immoral sentiments of 'god's message'.  With our growing civilized rejection of human transgressions like slavery, racism, and genocide, it will be difficult for any moral soul to confront many of the Bible's stories, and the works of god, as anything other than crimes against humanity.

Finally, when the Bible becomes homework it will be loathed and shunned by school children in a way that only required reading can be.  And it isn't even as easy to read as The House on Mango Street.

The local Bible-belted ministers will not appreciate teachers referring to their holy book as a random compilation of dubious transcriptions and creative translations, modified and massaged by clerics and politicians over centuries.  But alas, it is as Machiavelli suggested: eventually politics is only effective in its irony.

The Benevolent Jackoff

Confessed criminal and all-around sleazebag Jack Abramoff has been sentenced to 5+ years in the slammer.  That this fucker would serve time was not particularly surprising, the real drama came in the sentencing process in which Jackoff stirred his many buddies to come to his defense as a purveyor of virtue and charity.  Of course, we saw this coming.

Jackoff surrounded himself with charities not because he was a charitable person, but because they were a scam.  Jackoff "contributed" to these charities to launder his dirty money.  A smart prosecuter would take every one of these character letters and trace it to how Abramoff may have illegally benefitted the sender.

The most moving of these is a letter from the governor of the Marianas Islands.  Jackoff and Tom DeLay have worked tirelessly to ensure that the Marianas Islands remain the United States' poorest labor colony.  Products made there get the "Made in the USA" stamp, but the workers have none of the protections of United States labor laws.  Consequently, the island has become a morass of sweatshops and near-slavery conditions.  The governor is correct in suggesting that if not for Jackoff the Marianas Islands would be a much different place: perhaps one where the workers choose their governor and not the minority of industrialists who have decimated the place and impoverished its people.

Other displays of Jackoff charity include the countless times he took children to professional sports games to teach them sportsmanship.  Incidentally, those sports games were hockey.  Uh, nobody watches hockey for its sportsmanship.

The tale of Jackoff taking in a military family when they could find no other housing was particularly touching.  Anyone notice how this act of generosity commenced in the middle of Jackoff's investigation last year?  Anyone suspect he's been working on this charity defense for some time?

As always, we say there is pleasure to be taken from Republicans behind bars.  And that should commence soon after lockdown.

Jerry Falwell's Mass Debaters

There's been an unusual amount of hype for Jerry Falwell's Liberty University debate team circulating.  From a story in Newsweek, New York Times Magazine, to appearances on Stephen Colbert, these fundamentalist flim-flammers are being touted as the best debaters in all the land. 

Seems the quality of Jerry Falwell's debaters is more the product of the Liberty University PR staff than their actual productivity.  For our fellow college football fanatics, Liberty University's prowess is comparable to calling Youngstown State the best team in college football; sure, they may consistently beat Slippery Rock, but they dutifully show up at Div 1A homecomings as the sacrificial lamb for good reason.

Two bloggers rip apart the hype over Jerry's Kids: Dispatches from the Culture Wars & Encyclopedia Hanasiana.

The President's Limp Staff

Bush's Chief of Staff Andy Card's resignation comes as a bit of a surprise.  Sure, the President's poll numbers are in the tank, and that story about staff exhaustion became a prolonged parrot feast, but if the Bush people are anything, they're stubborn in their righteousness and don't make changes easily, if at all.

Just how much is Andy Card responsible for Bush's poor poll numbers?  What we know of Andy Card is that either he isn't terribly attuned to public relations, or he doesn't feel the authority to steer the President to appropriate action.

Remember, Andy Card is the one who, on 9-11, whispered the message of America being under attack to the dumbstruck President.  Where the President failed to excuse himself to deal with the crisis of surprise attack within our borders, Andy Card should have announced to the elementary school class:

The President has some important President business right now.  Thank you for your time, but we need to leave.  Stay in school and stay off drugs.

Instead, Card left the hapless President dangling in the wind.  And apparently, even after the President's 5 minutes of shame, Andy Card thought it wise to let the President hang out and take some pictures with the kiddies as both WTC towers fell.

And certainly Andy Card should have known, when the President didn't, that continuing his vacation in Crawford and then attending a fundraiser in California before ever saying a peep about Katrina was, if not criminal, at least unseemly. 

No, with a President this utterly clueless, he needs a staff to be all the more awares.  The American people chose a dullard as their chief executive.  It's the job of the chief of staff to not let the President's incompetence get in the way of the President's business.

Good riddance Andy Card.  The only way you'll ever redeem yourself is to write a tell-all book--aimed a the general public, not one of those right-wing screeds which Richard Scaiffe props up on the bestseller list.

The Premature Demise of the Republican Party

Democrats are giddy, Republicans grumpy.  Time, and many others, are already declaring Democrats the winners of the 2006 Congressional elections.  Why wait until November when you can be a winner now?

This horse race speculation is based on Bush's low approval ratings and the growing Republican financial scandals. 

But never count out Karl Rove.  These Republican strategists are nasty evil men who will stop at nothing to control government.  And by November they'll be cornered dogs, fighting not just to hold onto power, but to keep themselves out of jail.  If a serious opposition party ever started to investigate this group, it's likely the entire Republican hierarchy could end up in prison.  From violating the 4th amendment to some of the most brazen bribery ever seen in the halls of Congress, it's unlikely that Republicans will long remain sitting ducks.  Let's not forget what all that bribery has bought them.  Republicans raise more money, far more money, than Democrats ever could because of their willingness to sell their services to the highest bidder.

Rest assured that before November Bush and friends will concoct some major foreign policy conundrum.  This won't be an October Surprise, this will be an August Inevitability.  Don't forget Bush's first mid-term elections, wherein he demanded his Iraq War resolution, forcing Democrats to become Bush patriot puppets. 

Most likely scenarios which seem to be already in the works:

Resolution for Military action against Iran

Military strike against Iran

Withdrawal from Iraq--Declaration of Victory and establishment of permanent government will be the perfect excuse to announce a withdrawal (an actual withdrawal is almost impossible, but an announcement and declaration of victory is almost certain)

Major terrorist attack

Major terrorist attack foiled

Draconian Immigration legislation

Rash of anti-gay adoption ballot measures

But the most likely scenario is that the magical Diebold voting machines will mysteriously produce a dramatic shift in voter sentiment.

Your Patriot Actions at Work

For those Americans who seem to think that your government would only use its now unlimited powers of spying in an intelligent strategy to fight terrorism, think again. 

Why is it that the government's knee-jerk reaction to any threat is to crack down on peaceniks?  Well,
we suppose a vision of world peace would be threatening to governing types.

Immigration Bill Awakens Sleeping Giant Neither Jolly Nor Green

With crowds estimated around half a million, the streets of Los Angeles filled with protesters of an insane immigration bill proposed by Congressional Republicans.  Although estimating crowd size is less a science than an art, most accounts suggest that this protest dwarfs anti-war demonstrations of both the Iraq and Vietnam era.

The subject of the protest is a bill proposed by bat-shit insane Republican James Sensenbrenner which would make illegal immigrants felons, and then punishes anyone who assists illegal immigrants in the process of living their lives.  Oh, and they also want to build a fucking Berlin Wall on the Mexican border!

With an estimated 11 million illegal immigrants in this country, the politicians may feel that the huge protests only represent non-voters.  They are wrong.  The stupidity of this bill has even outraged otherwise fascist-leaning Catholics.

We'd actually love to see a general strike, a'la A Day Without a Mexican to drive home the presence and contribution of "illegals" in this country.

Sensenbrenner achieved his lot in life as the heir to the Kleenex fortune, makers of Huggies as well as Kotex.  As one whose money is literally soaked in snot, shit, and menstrual blood, we'd expect nothing less than for him to conduct his life as a douchebag.  His is a stain that can never be wiped clean.

Seal Hunt

For shame to Canada, another baby seal massacre is under way.  Whatever financial difficulties the region may be having, this gruesome slaughter will never be the answer.  The innate mechanisms which allow men violence switch into hyperdrive for "hunts" such as these.  It's a lowly sad mark against our species.